Sleeping with the Toddler

Every so often Helene’ the rapidly growing toy strewing toddler, gets to spend the night with me, her Nana. I enjoy very much spending one and one time with my granddaughter. She’s funny, way too smart for her age, and full of adorable little surprises.When she sleeps, as the nap time photo demonstrates, she’s still utterly adorable, and us grownups get to catch our breaths, while we clean up after her. I love having her visit me as she is such a delight.   It is at bedtime  I know, that one of us is not going to have a whole lot of fun. Well at least not much sleep.

One would think that a little person a fraction of my size and weight (details of which will remain confidential) wouldn’t be that much of an issue when one is sharing mattress space with. Especially when that mattress is of the Queen size variety. Oh Contraire! What really happens is as follows.

Going to bed.

There is much procrastination involved. Helene’ will ask to have her teeth brushed, and then wants to know where all her animals are. She prefers a large retinue of stuffed critters. Then it’s time for prayers. Whatever grown-ups are in residence at the time must have their turn. She also has a session of “Let’s talk about it.” That is actually you singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” to her. I have no idea why she calls it “Lets talk about it.” Then hopefully she’s ready to go to sleep.

Going to sleep.

Here lately that has been a problem. She is going through a phase where she doesn’t want to be alone in a darkened room to sleep. She’ll cry and sounds actually somewhat frightened. It usually takes a couple of visits to get her calmed down and into sleep zone.

This last visit, she went to bed a bit later than her usual routine. Since I was also tired, and was not exactly in the mood to hear her crying for an extended period of time. I decided just to go to bed early. I figured she’d calm right down and go to sleep, knowing a grown-up was right there.

Going to sleep, one hour later.

Yep, she’s still awake, wriggling around, kicking her feet every so often, and poking me to see if I respond. Every so often I mutter “Go to sleep.” Finally she goes to sleep as close to me as she can get having claimed her spot on the bed. Right smack in the middle.

Right smack in the middle.

A toddler usually can pick a spot in the bed, like right smack in the middle and pretty much stay there. The only downside is that they will pivot while in that spot, periodically altering which direction their feet are pointing. In my experience, a small child can do all the points of a compass in a single night while remaining essentially at the same point in the bed.  Head and feet are pointed at first vertically and can move suddenly to horizontally. Of course that changes drastically what unclaimed space remain for you. If you are like me, you may try to move the sleeping child back into a more sharing friendly setting, only to discover that sleeping children are surprisingly heavy.  Most of the time, I try to find a spot free of flailing elbows and feet and try to go back to sleep.

4:16 AM

I get a pat on the face. “I gotta go potty Nana.” Ok, a very important statement coming from a child who is still trying to master the whole going to the bathroom thing. So into the bathroom we go. She does her business and is done. While we are there, I might as well go to.  The child is now wide awake and playing with the rubber ducks left over from last night’s bath. Within seconds she is asking for breakfast. I quickly shoot down that idea as I turn off the lights and put her back into bed with me. Prolonged kicking and wriggling commences for a solid 20 minutes.

5:30 AM

“Nana, I gotta go potty, and I’m hungry.” We repeat in its entirety the sequence of events that had occurred 45 minutes previously.

6:30 AM

There is a toddler fast asleep on top of what covers she hasn’t already kicked off to the far side of the bed. I have to get up. I believe that I have gotten just enough sleep to keep me craving coffee all day long. She’ll wake up in a little while, totally refreshed and ready to face the day. I’m already wanting a nap, I know I won’t get.

I told my grandmother about my night time experience with my granddaughter. She laughed offering absolutely no sympathy. Apparently I did pretty much the same thing to her when I was a little girl. It’s “nice” to know Helene’ and I are carrying on a family tradition.

Sticks and Stones

I have decided to cross post some of the pieces that I do for Flying Oskar over to my personal blog spaces. Especially ones that are not on highly local topics. Enjoy and comment if you take a notion.

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Sticks and stones may break my bones

But words will never hurt me.

Ok who believes that the message of that little nursery rhyme is true? No one? Well neither do I. In reality words can hurt very much. People are capable of saying the most horrible things to one another.

“Why can’t you be smart like your sister?”

“Look at you! And those ugly glasses!”

“Can’t you do anything right?”

We know those statements are lies, yet we believe them anyway.

“If you would just lose weight, then maybe you’d get a date.”

“You call that dinner? The dog could do better.”

“I don’t know why I waste my time on you.”

Why do parents belittle their kids, one spouse say degrading things to another, siblings mock another, children make another child feel utterly worthless, bosses making an employee feel useless? Why do people say?

“Leave me alone, you old hag”

“I wish you’d never been born.”

“You’d be pretty if you’d only…”

Yes words hurt, agonizingly so. They break hearts, self-worth, relationships. They can delay potential, joy, personal growth, and real happiness. Words that cause hurt, even those supposedly well meaning ones, don’t build another up. They do the opposite. They don’t help, they do nothing of value, except to give person saying them a false sense of feeling better, smarter, prettier, more talented, superior, than the one they are talking to. Such words as…

“You’re fat”

“You’re ugly”

“You’re stupid.”

“You’re worthless.”

Maybe those things are said out of frustration or anger. Maybe it is said, because that person doesn’t like you and they are intentionally trying to hurt you. Maybe they thought they were being helpful, especially in offering unsolicited suggestions to your supposed feelings about something. But the more they talked they actually reinforced how you felt, by unintentionally backing up the statements that made you feel bad in the first place. Maybe something is said a single time to you, but it impacts you for a life time. Other times it is a series of statements that is built upon another, sending you  negative messages that you reason must be true, even though, deep down, you know they really aren’t. Maybe the person saying them really didn’t mean what they said. Sometimes instead an apology you are told.

“Suck it up.”

“Stop being such a wimp.”

“You are just being over sensitive.”

Like that really helps.

I know how it feels. Like you, I’ve been on the receiving end of things that others have said that were painful, and several of them stuck. I still struggle, like many, with wrestling with whether those hurtful things are as true as the speaker seemed to think they were. I know they aren’t, but every once in a while a series of events will make me vulnerable, and it all comes back to haunt me.

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’ll never measure up.”

“Am I really that incompetent?”

Lies, all of them.

And I know, like many of you, that I am guilty of uttering hurtful things to others. Few of us are immune from that vice, because it does give us a sense of power and superiority, even though it is very much a false sense. I hope though that anything I may have said has occurred very rarely and that I have worked even harder to undue any damage I may have done by a stupid, hurtful statement on my part. I know how much it hurts to be on the receiving end, so I know better. Which is why I try so hard to never say such things to another. However, I know that I have. To those I’ve said horrible things to.

“I was wrong.”

“I am so sorry.”

“I will work even harder to never say such a thing again.”

I tend to stand in defense of others who, like me who have been wrongly told things to make them feel small and useless. Because I firmly believe that treating others with respect and value is so very important, it deeply saddens me when I see others treated less than so. It is part of who I am that tends to make me others’ cheerleader, because I suspect that we all need a little positive reinforcements now and then. I know I sure do.

So I am here to tell you today.

“You are gorgeous.”

“You have an amazing brain.”

“Wow, you are talented.”

“I am so glad that I know you.”

“I am very thankful that you were born.”

Write baby, write

I know that some of you have already know that locally popular website The Spartanburg Spark is soon to be no more and that I have moved my Miss Mom column over to FlyingOskar.com Flying Oskar is a close facsimile to what The Spark was with some obvious differences, the biggest of which is the lack Steve Shanafelt's daily influence who was the founder of The Spark's.  Flying Oskar is its own unique community website with some similar voices and some new ones, some similar goals and some different ones then before. Flying Oskar's owner Christopher George and I agree on keeping alive a community website that offers a place for progressive ideas, community information and a place to discuss what goes on in our area. I am thrilled that Chris took on this project and has allowed me to tag along.

 Besides Flying Oskar, and here (obviously) there is a third site that I am contributing to, She Thought . I have been extremely fortunate to be counted among the list of contributers there.  According to the website "She Thought.com is a place to discuss, promote, encourage, and celebrate women in science, skepticism, and critical thinking." There is a fascinating group of people over at She Thought, from an interesting array of backgrounds and occupations and educational levels. I really enjoy the thought provoking topics and discussions that come up, as well as the fact that conversations can occur about some topics and people with some different views can discuss them like grown-ups.

 I am of course grateful for all these new writing opportunities that arise, and am looking forward to more that open up along the way. I think that embarking on a collegiate adventure with writing as the focused goal must have been a good idea after all. I will likely be sharing some of my college writing work along the way. Hopefully I can build on my meager writing skills, and have a decent body of work to show for it at the end. Even better I hope to have a new career out of my degree in the end.

Some things I will be cross posting here, depending on which way my whim is blowing at the time. My whim is fickle and rather forgetful, besides being busy because of work, school, sleep and other mundane life issues. I do invite you to add both Flying Oskar and She Thought to your blog reading list. You can find the links at my reading list right there to the right of this page.

Thinking critically about elections

Summer is not quite over, and if what one finds at the local department store these days, winter must be right around the corner. Never mind that it's ninety degrees out, Parkas and fleecy sweaters are plentiful and ready for purchase. This time of year also means that something else is right around the corner. Yes, election day will be here before we know it. That means that come the first Tuesday in November we have the opportunity to elect people to positions of government, from local council members to governors and U.S Senators. Yes I know it is still only August, but November will be here before we know it. A lot of candidates are hoping to get elected, and not just on the national and state levels. Local candidates are also important, and their positions often impact communities more strongly then one assumes.

So what does a topic on politics have to do with critical thinking? Maybe it is because that we can apply critical thinking to making decisions based on a great deal more then soundbites, political campaign signs stuck on every street corner, or television or radio ads that say little about the candidate, only that the other person is the worst choice a voter could make.

One problem with using critical thinking when it comes to choosing a political candidate for a particular office is a willingness to look past the hype and rhetoric and try to discern the facts surrounding the candidate when it comes to relevant issues that would accompany the job they are vying for. The other problem is finding that information needed to make the best choice.

Most political rallies and events do little to get to the source of issue related information, as these events are usually highly programmed and oft repeated throughout a campaign. One can hear a speech from one event and have a pretty good idea what will be said at all other events. Political debates can be useful, but often the questions posed to the candidates are often less about the job and more about matters that the position never really deals with. Also these debates can end up like well-mannered put-down matches, with little actual information on how candidate stand on issues gleaned from the event.

So what can a potential voter do to get credible information about a candidates views, or past decisions made on certain issues? If the candidate has held office, one can with a little bit of research find how they voted on certain issues. If they haven't, then it is a little harder to glean information but not impossible. Most major parties have websites, and many candidates do as well. So it is not too impossible to gain information about where they stand on things. They also have contact information so that a potential voter, can, if they are so inclined email the candidate and see if they respond.

That is what I will be doing as part of a community service project for a local community website, Flyingoskar.com. This community site is new and a sort of second generation from The Spartanburg Spark, who I wrote for for nearly two years. I have joined up and moved my Miss Mom column there as well. I and the blog owner are going to come up with a list of questions for the candidates in our state and the local ones as well. We are also going to ask for questions from our readers. Then we will send our questions to the candidates we will be voting on. We will see who responds and publish the answers, as well as any other relevant information such as contact information, where to vote, and any non candidate information on this year's ballot etc..

Why am I doing this? Because I am tired of politicians and political organizations going round and round about the same thing, of candidates painting pretty pictures with no substance, of the hype, poor and sometimes outlandish claims made that are completely untrue, and yet what a campaign is based on. I know that our political system is imperfect, but its what we got. I would hope that many of us are smart enough not to fall for the same old crap every election, but it seems that we do. It really bothers me, and I want to do something to change that.

Voting for a person simply because of a party affiliation is not necessarily the best choice for the job. It can be, but it is the individual that matters in the end, not necessarily who they are aligned with. Considering some of the people we have in office now, I have to wonder how they made it past their primaries. The only conclusions I can draw is that the voters either didn't care, a better qualified person was defeated or didn't run, voters didn't understand the stakes, or simply believed the silliness they were told.

I don't intend to be that kind of voter, and I intend to try to inform as many as I can before November. To me this isn't about party affiliation, leanings towards the left or the right, or those hot button issues that will still be around, unsolved, come the next election. It is, to me about filling seats with people who can do a job, do it well, and represent their districts with honor and integrity, while looking at the bigger picture of the community of citizens who may be impacted by the decisions made.

Putting Candles out with Water Cannons

There are rumblings from US legislatures about wanting to change the 14th amendment, or even repealing it. The reasons they are making such a proposal is in hopes of closing a certain small loophole that grants a person citizenship status, even if their parents are not actual citizens. While I do understand the need to try to get illegal immigration under control, this is to me a very poor way to discourage people from coming to this country without using proper channels.

The math simply doesn't add up.

Recently I wrote an article in response to an editorial written at my local paper. The original editorial dealt with the writer's thought on solutions to ending or greatly reducing abortions in the US. In my response I did a bit of research, and pulled some figures from the US census as well as the American pregnancy association. In the research data I displayed, I demonstrated the numbers of women of child bearing age, the numbers of pregnancies, and broke those numbers into those that resulted in live births and those that were terminated for natural or procedural reasons. My research also discovered that there are an average of just over 4 million births every year. The US population is estimated at a little over 300 million, half of that are women, about 60 million of that half are of child bearing age. A little further research showed that about 15.4% of the US population are of Hispanic origin or about 47 million. If about half of those are women then you have about 23.5 million, and maybe about half of those are of child bearing age. or about 11.5 million. I based my estimates from figures found at USA quick facts from the US Census

Then there are the actual pregnancy statistics. I used this source, American Pregnancy Association. There are about 6 million pregnancies every year and just over 4 million go to term. Some estimate that about 48% of all babies born are to Hispanic women, as birth rates in other demographic groups are actually falling. So lets say about 1.92 million babies are born to Hispanics. The number of undocumented residents is estimated at about 11 to 12 million. Now one can be quite certain that a fair number of those people are not having babies based on the actual statistic of births occurring. That is simply true because not all of those 11 million or 12 million are women, and of those women, only a portion are of child bearing age. So that narrows down the number of illegal immigrants that are actually having babies annually even further.

 If about 10% of women of Hispanic decent are having babies, Hispanics make up about 15.4% of the overall population, only a fraction of all Hispanic women are here illegally, and there are only about 4 million babies born every year that includes all US residents, then we are actually talking some pretty small numbers when it comes to babies being born to illegal residents. Yet some in government or in political activist groups want to repeal a Constitutional Amendment to prevent citizenship to a very small portion of US residents.

To me the proposal is like putting out a candle with a water cannon. I do wonder if anyone has bothered to do the math. If someone like me, with merely adequate math skills can conclude that the figures are not strong enough to make a case to repeal a Constitutional Amendment, then I would hope that others smarter and with a whole lot more influence then I would be able to demonstrate the ludicrousness of this proposal as well.

While I understand that we can do more to encourage people to obtain citizenship through proper channels, to discourage people from coming here illegally and strapping our social system, and to penalize businesses who willingly hire illegals, sometimes at substandard wages, repealing the 14th amendment is not the way to go about it. I sincerely hope this idea dies a quick and painless death.

The Myth of Instant Forgiveness

As most of you know, I made a very difficult decision several months ago to end my marriage. The why is important and I am not ready to discuss it in such an open forum yet, but I will say my situation is all too common, and that it was a huge mistake to not take this step years sooner. I will also say I feel I did all I could to save the relationship, and that I have now chosen to sever nearly all communication ties, because of the temper and tone of that relationship.

So now I am dealing with the emotional aspects of things. When people say that divorce is almost as hard to deal with as death, they are correct. You do go through phases emotionally, you do make huge adjustments physically and financially, most of which you didn't foresee or plan for. One of the things one has to deal with if forgiveness, of yourself, and of the person you have decided to end a life commitment with.

Forgiveness in these situations is important, as it is in any situation where betrayal or hurt has occurred. Most  religions agree on the importance of forgiveness and the benefits of it for the person doing the forgiving. They agree that harboring resentment instead of working towards forgiveness can be quite harmful to the person not willing to forgive. They also all say we should forgive and as soon as possible, but none have a firm timeline or an exact methodology that is proven to work every time. It really is a difficult thing to do and it takes time for a person to work through the reasons they feel hurt, and then to decide that they are not going to hold that hurt against the person who caused it.

Then there is the assumption often made by the offender, that the offended needs to forgive them right now, and that things can go on the way they were as if nothing bad had happened. Also a common assumption is that the offender no longer has to deal with the negative consequences of their action. They think that being forgiven fixes it all, and it needs to be done right now. They may try to convince the offended that God tells you to forgive and you need to be doing so right now. Those are simply myths.

One other myth is an understanding of what forgiveness actually is. Forgiveness is a person's decision not to hold an offense against them. It means that you respect that other person to not let that offense make a big difference and allowing that person to have a chance to redeem themselves. However it is not a license to be a repeat offender. To believe otherwise is wrong. The person who did the wrong needs to really work hard not to repeat the offense, recognizing that continuing the offensive behavior will eventually lead to negative ramifications. The forgiving person can, at any time, say that they are going to remove themselves from the situation, because that stuff keeps happening and they don't want it to anymore. Saying, "I am  not going to allow this anymore." is not being unforgiving, it is simply protecting oneself from current or future harm.

This last is what I have had to do, on several fronts, with my soon to be former spouse. If one wants to find forgiving someone much more difficult then keep yourself in a situation or relationship where you know those offenses are going to occur. It's true, because that is exactly what I did. I finally had to put even greater barriers between us, because the lack of them was so unhealthy, for both of us.  I don't know if he understands my decisions, despite earlier attempts to explain them, and quite frankly his understanding has become much less important at this time. I just had to decide for my benefit, and my mental health, that it was important to sever ties so that I could deal with the emotional, physical and financial aspects of the decision I made last October.

 There's a lot of baggage there, that I am having to unpack, and decide what to keep and what to toss. It is difficult, yet it is healing, and it has taken a lot of time, and personal reflection. In some ways I have forgiven him, but in others I haven't yet, and in all honesty I don't see it happening this week or even this year. There is still a lot of baggage left that I had forgotten about, and that keeps being discovered. Eventually I'll get there, and my heart will be completely healed. I know forgiving is the right thing to do, as it frees my heart and soul from the pains caused by others or even myself. I no longer have to hold on to negative memories and resentments, mulling them over and over. Forgiving will allow me to  completely move forward with my life, catching up to the other positive steps I have already taken.

Come on already!

I purposely moderate the comments on my blog. I know that the readership here is nowhere near what I get over at The Spark but I do know probably one or two people venture by now and then. There is an exception to this. For some reason, known only to the people who are initiating this campaign to annoy me, I get comments to two of my old blogs, just two. One written November of 2009 that I wrote about the humble clothesline the other I wrote in late February of this year discussing my usual crazy agenda. It is entitled March Madness.

All other blogs have little or no activity as far as comments go. Why these two blog entries are targets is beyond my meager capabilities, but the purpose is to get me to be a spamming advertiser for whatever someone is trying to shill, with me being the shill-ie. I get an attempt to let a spam laced set of advertising in at least two or three times a month. I see the attempt hit my email box, see that yet again someone wants me to do all the advertising work for them then hit reject comment.

So all you wanna be scam/spam or should I say lazy advertisers who think I am going to let you use my under-read blog to sell male enhancement crap (yuck, now I have an icky mental image), pills of dubious origins, links to pornographic content or websites, or just plain old junk you have a warehouse full of, just stop. I don't even get free samples of any of your junk...not that I want any of what they peddle, to make even considering letting you use my blog for your personal billboard appealing.

Of course if you choose to consider continuing with attempts at wearing me down with links to the hottest new gimmicks, then go right ahead. My delete box is on an all spam diet, and your comment attempts are like ambrosia to it.

Now for the rest of you, all 11 who I know at least acknowledge this blog's existence, comment away! I welcome what you have to say.